Episode 11 - Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

Episode 11 - Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life

Yep, that's the poster. We get real serious this week about a Lifetime Original Movie about one family being destroyed by an overbearing asshole mother played by an actress who has appeared naked in films no less than three times. Also: Finally a movie that finally answers the question "Switchfoot or Green Day," porno parties, and what would a Texas Chainsaw Massacre porn look like? (Stay tuned after the outro for outtakes and story time.)

Starring: Kelly Lynch, Jeremy Sumpter, Lyndsey Fonseca

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Episode 09 - Aeon Flux

Episode 09 - Aeon Flux

Starring: Charlize Theron, Johnny Lee Miller, Frances McDormand

Crimes: Being completely baffling, attempting to out-anime an anime, hilarious costuming, the main character being a walking Deus ex Machina, the main character hitting Resident Evil levels of untouchable "badassery," Francis McDormand's hair.

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Episode 08 - LOL

Episode 08 - LOL

Starring: Miley Cyrus, Demi Moore, Thomas Jane, Fischer Stevens, Gina Gershon, Ashley Greene

Crimes: Having a Hank Hill pancake ass, twerking on Beetlejuice, Tank Girl hair...wait what? Who? What movie? I didn't even know Miley Cyrus existed before this week.

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Episode 06 - The Golden Child

Episode 06 - The Golden Child

Starring: Eddie Murphy, Charles Dance, Victor Wong, James Hong, Charlotte Lewis, J.L. Reate

Crimes: Eddie Murphy doing lazy Beverly Hills Cop, abysmal headwear, more racism, oatmeal as a plot device, Dragon rape, sullying the good voice of Dr. Claw, the weirdest claymation scene you will probably ever see in a film.

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Episode 05 - Teaching Mrs. Tingle

Episode 05 - Teaching Mrs. Tingle

Starring: Helen Mirren, Katie Holmes, Jeffrey Tambor, Barry Watson, Michael McKean, Marisa Coughlin.

Crimes: Poor understanding of how schools work, poorer understanding of how scholarships work, magically appearing crossbows, the irony of incorrectly using irony, criminal misuse of actors and actresses way too good to be appearing in this shit, an unholy reference to "The Exorcist," the worst PG-13 editing in history.

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Episode 04 - Vibrations

Episode 04 - Vibrations

Starring: Christina Applegate, Paige Turco, Scott Cohen, James Marshall.

Crimes: TJ's hair, taking a ridiculous premise extremely serious, random redneck attacks, improper handling of construction equipment, improper handling of welding equipment, improper handling of music equipment, "Anamika," Simeon's clothing, handwaving (heh) the sudden disappearance and presumed death of your son/boyfriend.

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Episode 03 - Bounty Hunters

Episode 03 - Bounty Hunters

Starring: Trish Stratus, Boomer Philips, Frank Zupancic

Crimes: Virulent sexism; offensive to Asians, Italians, people who like good things; an overload of fan-service, upskirts, downshirts, catfights, main characters who are massive hypocrites, uninteresting actions scenes, allowing a man named Boomer to improv, allowing a pro wrestler to use wrestling moves in fights, the phrase "Rub and Tug," being the most Canadian movie since "Canadian Bacon."

IMDB Score: 3.5/10


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Halfisode 03 - MPDG

Halfisode 03 - MPDG

This week: Spinning off of our "Elizabethtown" episode, we get a little weird with the concept of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl. Film criticism and philosophy make a surprise cameo.

Song of the Week: Allo Darlin' - Woody Allen




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Episode 02 - Elizabethtown

Episode 02 - Elizabethtown

Starring: Orlando Bloom, Kirsten Dunst, Susan Sarandon, Alec Baldwin, Jessica Biel, Judy Greer, Paula Deen

Crimes: Overdosing on "Manic Pixie Dream Girl," trying to make Orlando Bloom a leading man, making us feel embarrassed for Susan Sarandon, crimes against accents, romance based on creepy stalkerness, 'Aw shucks Southern hospitality, making Paula Deen the most tolerable person in a group, "I guess this is all mostly about a shoe?"

Netflix Average Rating: 3.2

IMDB Score: 6.3/10


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Halfisode 02 - Vampires

Halfisode 02 - Twilight, Vamps and Skeeves

This week: We sip the Twilight Haterade, talk our favorite and least favorite vampire films and vampire actors.

Song of the Week: Alkaline Trio - Draculina

Episode 01 - Dracula 3000

Episode 01 - Dracula 3000

Starring: Casper Van Dien, Coolio, Tiny Lister

Crimes: Taking a horror film to space, filming in approximately three rooms, inexplicable racial undertones, even more inexplicable sexual overtones, bloated Draculas, no concept of three-act structure, CGI imported from 1997, terribly misleading box art.

Netflix Average Rating: 2.2

IMDB Score: 2/10

Halfisode 01 - Video Game Movies

Halfisode 01 - Video Game Movies

This week: An interview with a real, live fan of the Resident Evil films, and The Martyrs discuss video game movies: the good, the bad and the Boll.

Episode 00 - Double Dragon

Episode 00 - Double Dragon

Starring: Robert Patrick, Alyssa Milano, Scott Wolf, Mark Dascascos

Crimes: Being a video game film, hammy overacting from the T-1000, Scott Wolf, shamelessly cribbing from The Warriors, mashing up post-apocalyptic settings, Andy Dick cameo.

Netflix Average Rating: 3.3

IMDB Score: 3.4/10